I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
