i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
