Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
