She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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