What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
