They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
