you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
