I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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