I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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