Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
