I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
