We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
