I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
