Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
