I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
