Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
