every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
