I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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