If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
