Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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