Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
