i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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