DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pants are for mortals
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
