dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
