why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
