Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
