I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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