just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
