Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
