Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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