dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
