I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
