You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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