Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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