Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
