did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
