Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
