He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
