so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
