Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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