just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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