So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
