i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
