I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
