Little spoons don't ask big questions
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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