Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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