Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
