theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
