Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
