He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
