just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
