meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my being single is dangerous.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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