hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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