I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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