In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
