My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
