i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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