he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
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Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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