I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
