Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
