My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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