is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
