Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
