it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
