My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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