Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
